Highly Sensitive

HSP's and Childhood

2010-08-18T09:51:00.000-07:00

In Elaine Aron's research on sensitivity, she found that highly sensitive people (HSP's) who had a more difficult childhood were more likely to be shy, anxious or depressed than a matched group of non HSP's. Those HSP's who had a good childhood experience, were not more likely to be shy, anxious or depressed than a non HSP.

So you see, HSP's are not innately more likely to be shy, anxious or depressed! An HSP with a difficult childhood just needs to take the time (and get support) to sort out and work through these issues arising from difficult early relationships.

HSP's take in so much information that if the experience is difficult to digest, then they have a lot of unsorted material that weighs them down. We HSP's really benefit from the clarity that results from taking the time to sort things out.

Panhala - Forever Oneness

2010-07-09T12:23:00.000-07:00

Forever Oneness
who sings to us in silence,
who teaches us through each other.
Guide my steps with strength and wisdom.
May I see the lessons as I walk,
honor the Purpose of all things.
Help me touch with respect,
always speak from behind my eyes.
Let me observe, not judge.
May I cause no harm,
and leave music and beauty after my visit.
When I return to forever
may the circle be closed
and the spiral be broader.

~ Bee Lake ~

(an Aboriginal poet)

HSP's Must Have Meaningful Work

2010-06-26T08:18:00.000-07:00

We HSP's MUST have meaningful work. Barrie Jaeger makes this clear in her book Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person. I'll offer four quotes from her book (with brief introductions) and let Dr Jaeger speak for herself:

Drudgery is a concept Dr. Jaeger introduces to describe boring, unchallenging work situations where work is "just a job".
"So often, HSP's stay in Drudgery far too long. When they leave, they're exhausted, emotionally and perhaps financially. The pain lingers a long time. Some suffer burnout and chronic fatigue syndrome and need years to regain their full strength. And in that interim, they must still earn a living. So I urge you to listen to stories about Drudgery, in the hope that you'll realize that no matter how convinced you are that it's impossible to get out, it's not impossible. It just seems that way."

Craft is a concept Dr Jaeger introduces to describe work with some variety and challenge, using skills with some complexity and providing enough income.
"In fact, Craft is a hybrid of Drudgery and Calling (described below). The more I learn about Craft, the more it reminds me of Dante's Purgatory, right smack in the middle between Heaven and Hell. Never too hot nor too cold, it lacks both the vast passion of Calling or the acute pain and suffering of Drudgery. Millions do very well here, and HSP's will also do fine in Craft, but we will not be soul-satisfied here, and we're still at risk for a slide down into Hell."

Calling is a concept Dr Jaeger introduces to describe work that fits our passion.
"We work so hard at finding just the right job. The real job is finding ourselves, and letting our Calling do the work of finding us. I believe that even if all you do in life is grow as a human being, you can't help but find your Calling. I always thought the job was the Calling - but it's not true. As long as I focused on the job, I got nowhere fast. But when I focused on my personal growth, my real work seemed to smile and wiggle closer to me. It was as if the work was drawn to me, not the other way around."

And self employment is another work option that works well for some HSP's.
"In survey's of HSPs, I've found that those who are self-employed have a higher level of satisfaction with their work than those who are employees. Generally, HSPs gave three areas - working conditions, the actual work performed and people interactions - much higher marks (mostly As and Bs) than employees did. (Work-life balance, by the way, was still a struggle for both groups.) Throughout history the self-employed love the freedom to control their work - the tasks, the day-to-day activities, and the decisions and relationships they build with others. These needs for control, creativity, and flexibility are shared by HSPs."

These are just a few quotes from Dr. Jaeger's book. I encourage you to read the entire book if you are an HSP and work is on your mind!

Please describe your own experiences and learnings about work in the comment section below!

Protection

2010-05-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

I was having lunch with two HSP friends the other day. All three of us have spent many years working with people to bring healing. One proposed a question, "When a highly sensitive person asks you how to protect themselves, what do you tell them?"

One replied, "the only real way to protect yourself is to do the deep personal work of unraveling you own inner process. When you know your own depth, the positive and the negative, then you find protection within your own core."

I agreed, "yes, people are always looking for an outside shield, but if you know your own issues, then other people's issues can't stay attached to you, or not for long. Energy from outside only attaches because we have something inside that is similar, energetically attracting it. Once your inner work is done, the issue is cleared of charge. Therefore the issue resolves and the outside energy easily releases."

When HSP's come to me they often are confused with what energy belongs to them and what belongs to others. We work to sort that out. For example, a story is told, "my friend was having a bad day and we talked on the phone and since then my solar plexus has really been hurting. It feels like something sharp is stabbing into me right here (pointing to a specific spot)."

"Yes, I can feel your friends energy, now let it go. (The energy begins to release)...but this point HERE (now I am pointing to a specific spot in their body) is YOUR issue. Your issue is where the energy will not release and why the other person's bad day has stayed with you. Let's take the time to sort it out " So we sort that issue out... and then, only then, does the energy completely resolve, release and and clear.

Back to my friends at lunch, the woman asking the question agrees with us. "It's not a popular answer and everyone is looking for a quick fix, but I agree that deep inner work is the only real protection."

I Want More of That

2010-04-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Dr Pat Carrington speak at the World Tapping Summit recently. Her talk entitled "How to use tapping to make the law of attraction work for you" was very inspiring to me. Her basic message was that in order to attract something in your life you had to begin with places in your life where this was already there and attract more of it, since like attracts like. You cannot create from lack.

For example, you want to have more good experiences at work. So you scan your work day for any moments that were in tune with what you desire. Then you focus on one of those moments and recall every detail.... "that look of recognition during the meeting when our eyes met and we understood each other, that real person to person contact, the feeling of being on the same team and each contributing, I was acknowledging her and she was acknowledging me, I felt seen and honored for my contribution and she was being seen and acknowledged for her contribution, there was harmony and a sense of joint purpose"......then tap the top of your head to register this moment and say, "I want more of that".

Now that may have all fell apart 5 minutes later, but you are emphasizing the moments that are what you are looking for so that you can consciously attract more of them. You want to "start a chain reaction of positive and good experiences". In any day, in any situation you can find moments that are harmonious. Dr Carrington recommended keeping a daily notebook titled "Things that happened today that I want more of", this can be general or theme focused if there is a theme or area of your life you are wanting to change.

Even when life is going very badly, there are these little moments, for example...."I looked up and a fresh breeze blew across my face, I felt the breeze on my skin and then noticed the warmth of the sun, my eyes closed and I felt that everything was in balance"....."I want more of that".

These little moments are life, so really relish them, use all your senses to recall them in vivid detail and then tap the top of your head or write, "I want more of that". Create the life you want by noticing, registering and consciously attracting more of these wonderful moments.

Feel free to comment and ask questions!

Comfortable With a Quiet Life?

2010-03-31T11:19:00.000-07:00

Some HSP's are very comfortable with a quiet life. Finding work they enjoy and a few close relationships will deeply satisfy them. They can happily stay at home for hours or even days on end and be quite content. Talking to a close friend, walking in the woods, curling up in a comfy spot and reading a good book - that's really all that's needed.

Others have a need for adventure and change, even though the stimulation from the adventure is challenging. These HSP's get bored more easily and want to travel, go out, and take on challenging projects. Over-stimulation sends them home to be alone and gather themselves, but the need to turn around and seek more adventure and change returns once they are rested.

Elaine Aaron, in her book The Highly Sensitive Person in Love says this variability comes from a secondary characteristic she calls "sensation seeking". She has also created a check list to help you understand the degree of sensation seeking you have.

These two variables, high sensitivity and sensation seeking account for some of the wide variety between various hsp's. Probably the most difficult combination is having a high degree of sensitivity and a high degree of sensation seeking. Your window of optimum stimulation is the most small. The impulse is to seek change, go and do, but then all that new stimulation wears you out. Being highly sensitive and having a low need for sensation seeking will help you be content with a simple quiet life. All combinations are good, it's just finding the balance that YOU need that is important!

How's finding this balance going for you? Comment and share questions below.

Want to talk to another HSP? I offer a free 30 minute introductory session.

Share This Blessing

2010-03-17T10:34:00.000-07:00

Happy St Patrick's Day!!!

I enjoyed this beautiful Irish video (3-4 minutes) - photos, voice, music and blessing. On the last verse, feel free to substitute She, as well as the He used to refer to God.

http://www.andiesisle.com/ThisBlessingIsForYou.html

Many Blessings!

You Do Not Have to Be Good

2010-02-26T08:38:00.000-08:00

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you about mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile, the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-- over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

Wild Geese, by Mary Oliver.
Photos found by google image search include, desert:goodlifezen.com, kittens:squidoo.com/soulspa, wild geese:guardian.com.uk. All others are mine.

I Love Being Highly Sensitive

2010-02-12T08:36:00.000-08:00

I like being highly sensitive because I enjoy watching people and gathering hunches about them. Observing the minute changes of expression on their face and the shifts in body language. I appreciate the beauty of each person struggling to find their place. I enjoy being able to deeply sense a person's intention and follow the nuances of their inner process. I enjoy quiet and stillness and listening to my own inner voice. I enjoy the thousand myriad subtleties that when woven together create our world and our days. I enjoy watching a cat prepare to pounce. I enjoy watching a dog sleep.

When you are invested in and enjoy subtle phenomena, the world is always new and interesting.

Those are a few of the things that make me love being highly sensitive. Being Highly Sensitive comes with a long list of possible positive attributes. Many HSP's are responsible, loyal, creative, intuitive, have a rich inner life, appreciate beauty, and feel things deeply. Many HSP's are spiritual, artistic and humanitarian; caring about others, the environment and society. On a practical note many HSP's are better at spotting errors and avoiding making errors, are especially good at tasks requiring vigilance, accuracy and speed and the detection of minor differences and are highly conscientious. (these last three practical aspects I quote from Elaine Aron in her book The Highly Sensitive Person).

Dancing with Matt

2010-01-29T08:00:00.000-08:00

Matt Harding's video of dancing around the world is, to me, a celebration of life. It's funny, heartwarming and universal. If you haven't already seen it, check it out here. It's a favorite if mine.

I listened to Matt talk about creating the video (this is his 3rd video). The first video began with him just dancing alone in front of famous monuments and sights around the world. Once some kids spontaneously joined in and he thought, "this is much better, why was I doing this alone?". By this time he had a large You Tube following and lots of e-mail fans. His partner Melissa, used these connections to organize gatherings of people to dance with him. In countries with less internet access, he did things like donate money to an adult (with the understanding that the money was for the local school, community, etc,) who would help him out by finding kids to dance with him.

He once presented a spoof where he revealed that his videos were a hoax. By the end of the presentation everyone was laughing and got that it was a joke. Not so funny, as news of the presentation got around, the clarity of the spoof did not travel and news stories came out announcing that his video was a hoax. He's still hearing from angry fans...

Cultural Bias

2010-01-26T16:40:00.001-08:00

carter and twitterkids (1 of 1)
Originally uploaded by jenlemen

Do highly sensitive people living in North America face cultural bias? You bet they do! Elaine Aron quotes this research in her book ,
The Highly Sensitive Person.

"If you remember only one thing from this book, it should be the following research study. Xinyin Chen and Kenneth Rubin of the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada, and Yuerong Sun of Shanghai Teachers University compared 480 schoolchildren in Shanghai to 296 in Canada to see what traits made children most popular. In China "shy" and "sensitive" children were among those most chosen by others to be friends or playmates. (In Mandarin, the word for shy or quiet means good or well-behaved; sensitive can be translated as "having understanding," a term of praise.) In Canada, shy or sensitive children were among the least chosen. Chances are, this is the kind of attitude you faced growing up."

What does it mean to face a negative cultural bias? It means that in your culture you get negative feedback on a regular basis just for being yourself. Cultural bias is very indirect, you can't sense a clear cause and effect, so people tend to have a global response like feeling awful and not knowing why, feeling personally rejected, or losing confidence in oneself.

Cultural bias also means that this has been happening for many years, in fact, most of your life. Either it began when you were born (or even when you were conceived), if your family shares this cultural bias, or from when you first went to school (or pre-school,) if you went to school in North America.

You know where this goes, right? It can become ingrained in you that something is wrong with you. Remember feeling like an oddball at school, like you didn't fit in? Many HSP's spend their childhood out in the woods, sensing that plants and animals are their only trust worthy companions. Others just feel odd and disconnected. A few have homes or communities that truly appreciate and nurture their unique characteristics. Some find a small group of friends that are harmonious. Without this, it is easy to grow up feeling bad about yourself.

How does one counter the insidious undermining caused by cultural bias? Elaine Aron suggests rethinking/ reframing old memories. Remember a negative experience from childhood (or even more recent!), exactly as you experienced it as a child (or recently as an adult). Now look at the experience again through the lens of cultural bias. Rewrite the experience through this different perspective.

In your present life, begin to name cultural bias as you experience it. "That was cultural bias." Don't allow a bad experience that involves bias against being highly sensitive to stay vague and unclear. Take time to name and verbalize everything you can about the experience, sit with it and let the details bubble up. Take it out of the unspoken realm and name everything you can about your experience. The unspoken words aimed at you, the unspoken words you would have liked to reply if you weren't worried about being nice. Now that you've clarified what actually happened and the hidden negative responses, explore ways that you could have reacted differently that would have brought more light and clarity to the situation. Sometimes your own awareness is all that's needed, sometimes you may chose to talk to the other person to increase their awareness.

Pausing to check

2010-01-12T16:40:00.000-08:00

Highly sensitive people like to "pause to check" before entering a new situation, much like the deer pictured here. One deer may pause at the edge of a grass clearing and carefully check before entering. Another deer might charge into the clearing, claiming the best grass or possibly getting killed by a predator.

At an office meeting are you the one who says, "we should really think this over before we act on it" and ruffle the feathers of those who want to do something now. Or in relationship, do you need time to think things over, while the other person is ready for action? Perhaps you lie awake at night picturing the events of the day and noticing incongruities from the day. These incongruities cause you to review the picture over and over until you realize something happened, that until now escaped your attention. Perhaps you don't want to answer a complex question immediately because you want time to consider the information carefully.

"The automatic pause-to-check system" are the wonderful words Elaine Aron came up with to describe this coping system commonly found in HSP's. "It takes in everything about a situation and then automatically compares the present to what has been normal and usual in the past and what should be expected in the future. If there is a mismatch, the system makes us stop and wait until we understand the new circumstance. To me this is a very significant part of being intelligent." from The Highly Sensitive Person, by Elaine Aron.

Sometimes people in our lives have trouble with our need to pause to check. It's really just the classic, age old push and pull between the warrior-king who is ready for action and the priestly-adviser who wants to take the time to make sure it is well thought out. Both are necessary.

How can you get respect in various relationships for pausing to check? First, make sure you appreciate this trait in yourself. Can you easily list what good things come from pausing to check? Some HSP's also have a strong need for action or desire to go-for-it. Does this part of yourself judge the part that needs to pause to check? First appreciate and make peace with yourself.

Now, do you appreciate the value of taking action? List all the good that can come from following the more active approach to an issue. Find your critic and voice the judgmental words you would apply to those that are faster to act. Again, if you are an HSP with a strong need for action, do you judge the part of yourself that needs to go-for-it? So, make sure you truly appreciate the need for action both in yourself and others.

Then, in calm moments when there is space to reflect, begin to have conversations with others about the role you play and the role they play. In work settings these can be brief conversations. Acknowledge the wonderful value in the role the other person plays and claim the value of your own contribution. These conversations, in times when stress is low, can build understanding. Then, when stress is high, with gentle reminding, each person's natural tendencies can be more naturally acknowledged and valued.

The thinning of tribal lines

2009-12-08T13:31:00.000-08:00

This video by PlayingforChange.com, touched me very deeply and brought tears to my eyes. It is 5 minutes, so make sure you have that much time, it's worth it!

In Barak Obama's inaugural speech he said, "the tribal lines are thinning". This video, by filming various musicians singing the same song, on location in their home country and then blending them together into one song, demonstrates the beauty and power of this thinning of tribal lines.

Fall leaves and peace

2009-11-10T18:06:00.000-08:00

Today may there be peace within.

May you trust that you
are exactly where you
are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.

May you use the gifts
that you have received,
and pass on the love
that has been given to you.

May you be content with yourself just the way you are.

Let this knowledge
settle into your bones,

and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for
every one of us.

originally by St Therese of Lisieux
revised by unknown source

I took the pictures!

"You are too sensitive!"

2009-11-10T11:40:00.000-08:00

Watch this 20 second video posted to YouTube by Deborah Bennett. Notice the first 8 seconds that this highly sensitive plant is being provided with an ideal level of stimulation to demonstrate the stunning beauty and precision of its exquisite responsiveness to touch. The remaining 12 seconds the stimulation level continues to increase. The magical leaf-by-leaf response is replaced by various sections closing up at once, some that haven't even been directly touched.

Imagine someone saying to the plant, you are too sensitive!

The plant is not too sensitive - it is just a sensitive plant. The plant is especially sensitive to touch and responds to the smallest amount of tactile stimulation. That is an inborn trait for this plant. About 20% of various species, plants, animals and humans are born with the trait of high sensitivity. Sensitivity manifests in various ways in human beings: sensitivity to light, sound, touch, smell, beauty, inner life, art, music, emotions, proximity of others, foods...the list goes on.

You can hear the voices - you are too sensitive, there is something wrong with you, you are overreacting... NO, you are a sensitive person, a character trait you were born with, and so you are responding or reacting in some way to stimulation. Perhaps you are tensing up, perhaps you are getting louder, perhaps quieter. What does your body feel like, what are the sensations? Whatever your response, it's one way you respond to being overstimulated.

Witness yourself and begin to notice the behaviors and sensations that follow for you when you are overstimulated. Next time these behaviors and sensations occur, begin to think, "Oh, I'm feeling overstimulated." See if you can adjust the level of stimulation coming your way.

In time you will internalize this basic truth about yourself and one day someone will say, "You are too sensitive", and you will say, "No, I'm not too sensitive, I was born sensitive and I am overstimulated right now".